I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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