So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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