I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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