hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
