A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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