sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
