I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
