Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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