I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
