Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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