I think my fart just growled at me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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