I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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