Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
