I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am naked and annoyed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
