All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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