I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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