Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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