I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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