My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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