I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
