pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
