I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
