My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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