I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
