Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
