he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
