the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
