I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
whose ass print is on the piano?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
