I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
