Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
