I didn't shave. On purpose
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize