She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
