does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
