i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
