Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
