Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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