I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
