Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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