it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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