I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
