I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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