i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
babies were throwing up all over the place
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
