Swine flu. Run for my life!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You may now shotgun with the bride
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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