get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
