Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
