my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
