and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
