genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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