Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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