I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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