every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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