something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
