Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
