My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
