I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
