do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
