I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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