RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
