I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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